37 Things

Why does Mark Morford have to be so funny, so handsome, and so right all the time?

His column today:

37 things worse than a KFC meatwich
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Friday, April 16, 2010

And lo, the reaction was swift and true, an incredible flood of comment and reply, recoil and horrified laughter, in response to last week's column -- and the Huffington Post's wondrous reprint -- on the gut-clenching KFC meat phenomenon/abomination known as the Double Down.

But amongst the amazement and wonder, a few oxygen-deprived souls dared to write in to say, "Aww c'mon, it's not all that bad? There are far worse things out there, for sure." And then they proceeded to try and prove how the DD's noxious calorie and fat numbers aren't even as toxic as some other vile fast foodstuffs, completely ignoring the larger picture I was delineating -- all the pollution, animal abuse, industrial farming, chemicals, synthetics, antibiotics, hormones and just plain insidiousness of a company concocting something this greasy and disgusting in the modern age.

But it got me thinking, aside from the food porn on thisiswhyyourefat.com, well, just what are those things that are worse for you than KFC's fistful of karmic hate? What else can you shove into your body, your brain, your very anima itself, if you really despise yourself, stopped caring long ago and just want to curl up and die in a corner somewhere? Shall we list a few? Let's.

1) Tea Party Rally. Recently did I stumble, like stepping on a rusty nail, across a surreal clip of Sarah "Queen of Duh" Palin rallying the "troops" at a Tea Party Express stop somewhere in Gunlick, Kentuckansasiana, and I found my mind suddenly blasted clean by the giant pile of dumb I was witnessing, unable to pinpoint exactly what it was that this circus sideshow reminded me of.

Then I had it. Remember that bizarre, 30-second acid trip of a scene in "The Wizard of Oz," the moment just before a very stoned Dorothy skips away to hook up with her crazy gay pals and traipse through a giant Pink Floyd album, the moment when those three adult dwarves stumble out of the Munchkinland horde wearing little kid outfits, and sing their little surly song, replete with surly, out-of-sync-leg spasms? Yes, the Palin-led Tea Party rally reminded me of the Lollipop Guild, serenading Dorothy. Perfect.

2) Floating garbage. Not to be outdone by the wily Pacific, the Atlantic Ocean is now reporting the existence of its very own giant, rancid, thousand-mile-wide swath of plastic collected over a period of years in a huge, swirling vortex and choking off sea life as far as the eye can weep. The Atlantic Plastic Explosion™ (as it would like to be known) is drifting somewhere between Bermuda and Portugal's mid-Atlantic Azores. Yay world!

Representatives for the Pacific Garbage Patch responded almost immediately, announcing plans hatched in the Netherlands to gather all its drifting plastic together and turn it into a colorful, Hawaii-sized floating island, suitable for living and frolicking and decrying the hellbound descent of man.

Aching for attention, the Indian Ocean is, meanwhile, planning to set itself on fire.

3) Military spending. Did you know 53 cents of every tax dollar you just sent to the IRS now goes to maintaining the U.S. military? Indeed, much to the confusion of gun nuts and warmongers alike, military spending is simply off the charts, even under Obama. We outspend all our allies and enemies combined, by a huge margin, far more than China, Russia, India and your grumpy right-wing grandfather hoarding bullets in the garage.

We have the largest, most bloated war machine in the world. We sell more guns, tanks, jets and warheads to more dictators, regimes and drug cartels than anyone on the planet. Are your local schools crumbling? Public hospitals failing? Entire state dumber than Glenn Beck's fact checker? Blame the military, at least in part, for sucking down about $1.6 trillion every year.

4) Miley Cyrus. Indeed, the sweet little billionaire's romantic movie came and went so fast you probably didn't even learn its name; it passed through the cultural slipstream like some sort of irritable bowel movement, the reviews of the poor tween's atrocious acting skills veering between a semi-gracious "maybe someday she'll be tolerable" and "Oh my God, someone stab out my eyes with a flaming pitchfork right now." Did you spend 10 bucks on this movie? How is it you're still upright? Shouldn't you be getting to a doctor? An asylum?

5) The Catholic Church. Sure sure, the Double Down will enrage your colon, toxify your blood, disfigure your heart, greasify your skin, shrivel your genitalia, and dumb you down to the level of slug shoelace. But that's nothing compared to 2,000 years of abuse, lies, oppression, lack of sunshine and dead, leathery skin that accompanies handing over your soul to the sinister clan of old men who run the Vatican. As for the pope, well, it would appear the "holiest" man in the Christian empire cares more about PR than child rape. You know, just like Jesus wanted.

6) "Jersey Shore," cast of. Word has it there's a new spinoff show in the works to augment this oily smear of cultural insect repellent, called "Wicked Summer" (or "Wikkid Summah" for those in the dialect) documenting -- can you guess? -- the awful hair, insane sports obsessions and big dumb babes of blue collar lugnuts from Boston.

The show's tagline, "Five minutes with these walking billboards for 'No Child Left Behind' makes you feel like a genius for being able to work a goddamn can opener" is still, apparently, being honed. Can't wait.

7) Republicanism. Some scholars believe there used to be a modicum of nobility and respect attached to this political party, long ago. History seems to indicate the GOP was, at one point, the home of a few reasonable and decent men, fighting for just and balanced causes.

Of course, the party of Lincoln has devolved into a shrill, shrieking puddle of Glenn Beck's crocodile tears, Rush Limbaugh racists and surly white men who hate the fact that you might have decent access to health care, can marry someone you love, and don't hate everything and everyone not inbred near a Texas football stadium. Want to ensure your kids grow up scared, angry, well armed, heavily medicated and confused about everything? Raise them Republican. Oh, and spank the hell out of them.

8-37) And finally, seeking additional input for this list, I posted a humble query to the 12,000+ followers on my Facebook fan page, asking for suggestions. And so, without further ado, I present to you an abbreviated list of those non-food items deemed far worse for you than a KFC Double Down, according to, well, you.

In no particular order, they are:

Marriage, Las Vegas, lobotomies, rat poison, spray-on tans, radioactive isotopes, Kansas, the Oklahoma militia, Meg Whitman, Ann Coulter, Nancy Grace, Fox News, Mormons, the Louisiana school system, the Texas State Board of Education, nuclear waste (barely), strychnine (ditto), Christian universities, unprotected bestiality, dating writers (wait, what?), foot binding, a dioxin enema, home-schooled fundamentalists (note: possibly a food item), auto-erotic asphyxiation, resentment, war, a closed mind, uterine fibroids, the Bible and, of course, sleeping in a cage with seven hungry weasels. Just FYI.